It has rained here all week.
Perhaps it is the ancient Scots blood in me, born down from my ancestors that acclimatised to gloomy, dark weather living up in the north of Scotland for all those centuries, that makes me feel comforted in rain. Rain has always felt soothing to me and this week I have been grateful for it calming my soul because this week has been difficult for me on a few fronts.
Justice has always been my driving force, although I didn't come to realise that until late in life. Learning that I love justice and hate injustice is what led me to study sociology and understanding how the world works, how it turns, how sociologists are passionate drivers for change in society. A passion for a just world and a believer that one person can impact the world for better. To break the darkness with light.
But this week it has been tested because I had unfair and untrue accusations said to me, from both my workplace and an extended family relationship and in the past it would have been in my nature to cower and submit and give in and quietly walk away, letting it go, absorbing that shame and injustice, or as Erin Hanson says in her beautiful poem, that I "gave them what they wanted..... gave them life with endless sun."
Standing up for yourself is not always very easy. It is stressful for me. It still impacts negatively on my health but I have learned better how to deal with it and how to mentally process it. I have learned how to confront bullies. I have learned what happens when you do. I've learned not to be controlled by others.
I have learned that it is not always the healthy way to stay silent.
Sometimes, though, it is necessary to be silent (such as dealing with personality disorders as I mentioned in my last post) and knowing the difference is part of this journey.
I've had to do both this week - confront unfair accusations and also to ignore the raging of a narcissist. In doing so, working through these challenges, I realise how much I've grown personally and spiritually. Able to stand in the confidence of my belief systems and values and integrity, while partnering with God through life to grow closer to Him and lean on His strength through difficult times, to be sheltered by Him and heard.
So, I've been grateful for the rain this week, that has brought a calmness to my day, a solace of cool, quiet, refreshment, a steady presence and reminder that nothing beautiful would ever grow if it wasn't for the rain.
Here is Erin Hanson's poem in full. You can find her wonderful work here on Instagram.
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